Goodbye, Love (10/27/2006)
I understand what you are going through right now. It’s indeed a sweet surrender, a bittersweet love - if that really is LOVE. The kind that won’t make you sleep, will make you think all day, smile when running through memories of it - good & bad. The greatest of that thought will be your object of love - I hope it isn’t me.
But on my end, I’ve been long devoid of that feeling. Better to describe it as being oblivious to that emotion. I’m so clouded that I cannot figure out if it is love that I’m feeling towards a person I’m supposed to be attracted to. I admit that a strong emotion would hit me once in a while, but not as intense as what you are feeling & doing today. (Does love really make a poet out of you, when I once thought of you as someone cold? You could have been a journalist/writer instead. Your words for me in your e-mail are so profound - too good to be true. I just hope you didn’t plagarize it). I cannot fathom that great emotion flowing out of you. I know I should be flattered, but I’m feeling upset.
Simply put, I cannot love you back because I don’t know anymore how to feel it.
We have grown miles apart throughout the years. I admit I had loved you. I had loved you in my young life when my mind still had that idea of a happy ever after. But that was it. I am not young now.
I have grown through harsh experiences & have ended up in a jaded life - where I just put my strong feelings toward a man as merely physical attraction, chemical reaction, more of a hormonal than an emotional response. For me, it will always come down to sex. Sex has become my self-expression. Sex takes the place of words. Sex takes the place of anguish. Sex takes the place of all other emotions I could feel that resemble love. I myself don’t like it. But I was gifted with this curse, one of the many curses inflicted on me throughout this life. You & they might regard me as just that: a sexpot, a slut. But that’s what I have become. Sex is my power - look at what I have done to you! (& all the others) It was too much that it re-ignited the feeling you once had for me in your puberty years. I have disturbed your way of life/broken your natural cycle. I should have left you alone on your own. I shouldn’t have initiated it. I knew how it would impact you from the start, but still I went on, that’s my curse. That curse always went with the hope that, deep inside, it will change things in me, chase away my demons, & be freed finally. But once again, I am just a vixen - a huge naked body sheltering a little body clothed with love - who consumed another soul & became hungry for more. As my body grows & gets nourished, my heart gets deprived and loses its life… but my saga of strong thrusts & false hopes continues.
"You’ve given me the feeling of true love. You already exceeded the extremes of love which I never felt before… I’m about to push the trigger that binds us together. Without you, my life is worthless…" I have given you this spell, & only you can break it. I don’t deserve this high regard. Only a pure woman deserves that. I’m pure, alright - of pure perversion. I’m also thinking of your sake. I don’t want you to put up with my shortcomings. I don’t want to exhaust the worthy part of your life. I don’t want you to go through the same hell that I’ve been through. Hitching with me would mean suicide. So leave me now. Sometimes the sweetest sorrow is the saddest fate, & that’s where I am right now. I don’t want you to be with me.
Make your own image of me. Think of me as wicked, unfeeling, a user, good for nothing, pathetic. I am a green witch full of warts & dried phlegm, with worms eating up my wounds and flesh. That might be the only way to reverse your idea of your love for me. Hate me if you must. It will save your heart, I know. It saved the ones who came before you.
As you go on, you will gradually find yourself on both your feet again, not anymore floating into the thought of me. Someday, you will be successful & become a great man - and find me still in the mud. You will look down & spit on me, thank me in mercy that I left you. Move on. Your dynamic life awaits. Mine stops here.
P.S.
First love never dies, people say. But it should be true love. True love never dies. Mine did, when I became this. Don’t let yours die. You will find her.
