Twisted Sunshine, Relaunched

What happens when you have let to go of a thing that you hold and love the dearest? Some say it’s painful, while others say it’s tragic. But the agony this person feels is far beyond words.

Life was never the same when Abi and Paolo entered into each other’s lives. Abi was a nobody trying to fit in, while Paolo seemed to be the life of his barkada. They had virtually no connection with one another, except maybe the fact that they were in the same university, in the same class. She was quiet, studious, always went out with her four few friends - who pretty much are the same as her. He, on the other hand, was the loud, happy-go-lucky type who cut classes, bullied campus newbies, and smoked and drank booze day and night with his large circles of pals.

Obviously extreme opposites, though there would come another connection between them… they had something in common.  Paolo had fallen helplessly for his free-spirited friend Janet for she was so nice to him, while Abi secretly liked her classmate Keith since the first day of school. It may be quite as normal as it sounds. It’s just that they were in love with the wrong people. Keith already proposed to Janet - a big OUCH!

Total strangers that Abi and Paolo were, neither in her deepest thoughts nor in his wildest dreams that they were about to get intertwined in one kind-of-a-different fateful night. She went to the acquaintance party put up by her class because she knew Keith would be there - however, so as Janet. Everyone was there except Keith, much to her disappointment. Realizing she didn’t have to do anything there anymore, she lost her interest and rested herself as the wallflower, as always. Turned out she wasn’t out of place as she thought, for the barkada welcomed her with open arms. After the dining came the drinking part, and she was the neophyte in a seemingly initiation rite. Rounds of hard and malt drinks had passed her, and soon Abi became a helpless victim, much to the delight of the crowd. As expected of a lady being drunk for the first time, she threw all her caution to the wind, shouted, sang, and danced wildly to the surprise of everyone in the place. She was graceful and most beautiful that night. Too bad Keith wasn’t there to see her bloom. When everyone was drunk, the well kept secrets were revealed - either knowingly or not. They were bit sentimental and all so naughty.

A game called let’s drink to that gave away the memorable night to both Paolo and Abi.

“People who see their glass as half empty are often those who find it impossible to take responsibility for their own actions. They believe the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and think it’s always someone else’s fault they didn’t get that promotion. They’re convinced that the world is against them, and they end up being eaten by negative thoughts, petty jealousies and miseries. They’re no fun to be with, they’re always complaining and blaming and, not surprisingly, they’re nearly always ill." - Michael Van Straten

Negative happiness. The sweetest sorrow. Emotional masochism at its extreme.

People with this kind of attitude or lifestyle base must be avoided if you want to live a positive, stress-free life, for their negativity can be very strong, they are most likely to drag you down rather than you pull them up.

Disclaimer: You must stop reading here if you want to be happy.

On the other hand…

If you are friends with these people and you have the desire to help them, you may need to discern first if they explicitly ask for it, or if they simply manifest the symptoms of their depression. It would be easier if people openly talk about it, but in real life, most would not.

There are times when some of them do acknowledge the feeling but are reluctant to open up to their loved ones for fear of being misunderstood, ridiculed, and/or rejected. Oftentimes lonely people have difficulty expressing themselves in a language being understood by the optimists, or others in general.

There are others who are defensive and in denial that they do need help. They tell themselves that feeling sad, having low self-esteem, and feeling defeated occur to all people at some points in their lives. They often sugarcoat their loneliness by fervent hopes and futile attempts to make things better all by themselves.

But there are also people who simply do not ask for help. They may be the hardest ones to deal with because they are not even aware that their depression is the main problem. This idea might be outrageous, but it is a fact: There are people who are happy being lonely. They use a lot of emotional crutches (escape mechanisms, multiple personalities, mind buffers, surrogate ideas/activities/relationships, emotional/sexual hang-ups, etc.) to make them live day by day. They are so immune to sadness, that for them loneliness is their inspiration, driving force, and life - they feel that a simple act of kindness towards them is something they never deserve and is done to them only out of pity, a simple accomplishment is already a big triumph to them, that they will never be understood no matter the greatness and sincerest of efforts of family, friends, and other people to reach out to them.

Common manifestations of depression include the following:

• Changes in appetite that result in weight loss or gain not related to dieting

• Insomnia or oversleeping

• Loss of energy or increased fatigue

• Restlessness or irritability

• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt

• Difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions

• Thoughts of death or suicide, or attempts of suicide

If you still want to help them in spite of all your concern, love, and strength, but are not able to do so, don’t take it on all by yourself. There are people specialized for addressing those cases. You may have them consider seeking professional help, of course, using the language and approach they can appreciate.

Depression is a serious, but treatable, mental problem. It is a medical problem and not a personal weakness. It is also very common. Clinical depression, called "major depressive disorder" or "major depression" by doctors, is a serious medical illness that needs professional diagnosis and treatment. There are a variety of medical and alternative treatments to help these people overcome this conditon. It ranges from regulated antidepressant drugs to lifestyle change, electronic shock treatments to chiropractic care. You may consult a psychologist for diagnosis and appropriate treatment.

But if all else fails, go back and read the disclaimer.

Could one argue to the idea that there are only two forces that change and define our lives the greatest - the THINGS WE DO and the PEOPLE WE MEET? One may say that there are many other forms, but still, they all come down to these two, either of them may happen first before the other. What we do in life surely affects our relationships with people, and who we meet surely influences the things that we do. These two are so basic, that we are unaware that we overlook them and live our lives as usual.

But not for me. I tend to look at the "ordinary" lives of people - how they do things and how they relate with others from several different angles. A seemingly simple situation can be presented in a unique way, so that there will always be something special in the little things that we do, in attempt of living life a bit better. It’s not that I’m nosy of other people’s business. It’s just that, for me, their stories are more interesting and more significant than mine, that I learn from and include then into my own, unless of course someone else looks into my life in a different light.

Let me look into the most common, say, passé themes that almost, if not everybody dwells on – love and death.

Taken from one of my captures of life, this is the story of…

THE PROMISE

Neil felt so weary… He needed a rest. Time went by so quickly, he could hardly keep up with it. Kaye, the woman he held dear, succumbed to a vehicular accident they met barely a year ago. After she passed away, life had never been the same for him. He felt so incomplete, that even the other woman he was seeing then aside from her could not fill that gap. It was as though an essential part of him was missing and I longed to be reunited with it because deep inside, he knew he could never live for long without it.

It was a terrible ordeal for her, he knew. He saw and felt her pain as she fought for her life after saving his from that tragic wreck. She was in a comatose state but he could feel her will to survive for she had managed to stay alive for two days. The strength he had always admired in her through the times pulsed stubbornly beneath her fragile body. She was unwilling to give up till her last breath… for him. The doctors tried to revive her but her body refused to cooperate. Finally, Kaye accepted defeat and Neil lost her.

As he held her hand in the hospital, merely an hour before she passed away, he could not help but smile as he remembered how, once, this same little hand held his, more than a year before the tragedy, as they walked at the bayside, witnessing the sunset together, when she accepted him and his love. Neil offered Kaye a promise… to walk with her all throughout her life.

He was very happy and contented since then. He thought he could not ask for anything more. Of all the women he met and of all the friends he had, Kaye was the only one who touched him – heart and soul. He was with the person he loved and they had beaten the odds together. Life took on a greater meaning for him.

He looked down at her and saw the lady, who was once enthusiastic and radiant, now lying as frail and fragile as a child. He remembered how they held and loved each other during those blissful moments they shared. He could recall that morning, as they traveled out of town for their anniversary, when he opened my eyes and saw her face, her eyes closed, her arms wrapped possessively around him, and her breath warm against his chest as she slept peacefully on the bus.

At the hospital, her eyes were closed in that same peaceful sleep, a slumber so deep she would never wake up from it. And, this time, what he felt was not warmth but her labored breathing. Those same hands that touched and pampered me had become helpless, devoid of feeling.

Devoid of feeling… that was what he thought of himself. It was because of this that he kept blaming himself for what happened to her. If she could only speak at this time, she would deserve to regard him as just that – unfeeling… a traitor… a liar.

Before the mishap, He had a fling with another woman. She was his officemate. He got attracted to her because she was beautiful, sexy, witty, and spontaneous. Neil loved Kaye but he felt he also wanted some thrill and diversity in his life as a “man.” He asked my friends to conspire not to tell her. What she did not know would not hurt her, He pondered.

But secrets were bound to be discovered, to be revealed, for one could never hide it for long, and Neil was no exception. Kaye had read the card on a bouquet he had given her – the flowers that turned out to be not meant for her.

With a bitter look in her eyes, she started running away from me. He called out her name as he ran after her. She took a bus, not knowing where it was bound, and he was able to catch up with her. He sat beside her but she looked away. He understood her.

Slowly, she faced him with tears down her cheeks. All he heard was her faltering voice, saying, “I knew it… long before this.”

The silence between the two of them prevailed over the loud sounds of the speeding bus and the noise of other passengers. It was really deafening it felt like eternity.

“I am the sole witness to the pain I feel. No one else knows of my misery. I never sought comfort and advice from anyone for I believe that you are my only comfort. I thought I was strong enough, but maybe I am coward after all. I’m afraid you would leave me to be with her. I can bear the pain of knowing but I’m not sure if I can live without you. It’s true that you and everybody else have been lying to me, but I am the one who had lived the greatest lie. I pretended not to know…”

Those were the last words he heard from her when that fateful night happened.

It was so fast. Neil could hardly remember where and when it took place. He opened my eyes and saw those lifeless bodies lying around; some people whining in pain; the wrecked cargo truck motionless and their bus tumbled down. But the most terrifying thing he had ever seen there was Kaye… beside him, lying on her side, covered with blood, pinned down entirely by that side of the bus where they were sitting. She took the impact – the impact that was supposed to be on him.

He was devastated when he heard from the doctors that her condition was a total damage.

He wept in regret. He discovered how selfish he had been! And she, despite her heartache, had saved his life. She showed him the greatest essence of love: sacrificing one’s own life for another.

Then he realized he never stopped loving her.

He touched the unwounded part of her face – the face of the only woman he had ever loved. He stroked her long hair and whispered…

“I am very sorry. Please forgive me. I love you so much, honey.”

He was. He really was. He was about to tell her those very same words right there on the bus but it was too late.

Somehow, she must had heard and understood him despite her unconscious state, for a small tear trickled down her cheek. He kissed her and realized that the bond of love still tied them together despite what had come between us. He held her hand tightly and prayed hard as she fell deeper and deeper into a sleep that would last forever.

Until the end Neil was there with her. He didn’t leave her side all that night.

Until the end Kaye was there for him. She never left his side all her life.

Years had passed, and Neil was already in the final phase of his life, but still, the day Kaye left seemed only yesterday. He could still feel her presence.

Last night, He had a wonderful dream. He, looking old, was walking down a road lined with trees on both sides. They were abundant with healthy, green leaves.

Suddenly, the leaves turned brown and fell from their branches, covering the earth like a soft blanket. And in the distance He saw her. She was smiling. She was so beautiful, young, and blooming. She held out her hand to him and said,

“I forgive you. And my love for you hasn’t changed a bit. Please promise that you’ll walk with me…” He felt sheer happiness, and, as he ran towards her, he willingly answered,

“Thank you… I promise…”

And when he was about to take her hand, she vanished into thin air as consciousness took over him.

He wished he could have that dream again so he could get to keep his promise.

Neil was so tired, so weak. He needed a rest. People say it is healthy to take naps. It’s true because he used to.

He will take one right now and closes his eyes for a while… just for a little while…

I understand what you are going through right now. It’s indeed a sweet surrender, a bittersweet love - if that really is LOVE. The kind that won’t make you sleep, will make you think all day, smile when running through memories of it - good & bad. The greatest of that thought will be your object of love - I hope it isn’t me.

But on my end, I’ve been long devoid of that feeling. Better to describe it as being oblivious to that emotion. I’m so clouded that I cannot figure out if it is love that I’m feeling towards a person I’m supposed to be attracted to. I admit that a strong emotion would hit me once in a while, but not as intense as what you are feeling & doing today. (Does love really make a poet out of you, when I once thought of you as someone cold? You could have been a journalist/writer instead. Your words for me in your e-mail are so profound - too good to be true. I just hope you didn’t plagarize it). I cannot fathom that great emotion flowing out of you. I know I should be flattered, but I’m feeling upset.

Simply put, I cannot love you back because I don’t know anymore how to feel it.

We have grown miles apart throughout the years. I admit I had loved you. I had loved you in my young life when my mind still had that idea of a happy ever after. But that was it. I am not young now.

I have grown through harsh experiences & have ended up in a jaded life - where I just put my strong feelings toward a man as merely physical attraction, chemical reaction, more of a hormonal than an emotional response. For me, it will always come down to sex. Sex has become my self-expression. Sex takes the place of words. Sex takes the place of anguish. Sex takes the place of all other emotions I could feel that resemble love. I myself don’t like it. But I was gifted with this curse, one of the many curses inflicted on me throughout this life. You & they might regard me as just that: a sexpot, a slut. But that’s what I have become. Sex is my power - look at what I have done to you! (& all the others) It was too much that it re-ignited the feeling you once had for me in your puberty years. I have disturbed your way of life/broken your natural cycle. I should have left you alone on your own. I shouldn’t have initiated it. I knew how it would impact you from the start, but still I went on, that’s my curse. That curse always went with the hope that, deep inside, it will change things in me, chase away my demons, & be freed finally. But once again, I am just a vixen - a huge naked body sheltering a little body clothed with love - who consumed another soul & became hungry for more. As my body grows & gets nourished, my heart gets deprived and loses its life… but my saga of strong thrusts & false hopes continues.

"You’ve given me the feeling of true love. You already exceeded the extremes of love which I never felt before… I’m about to push the trigger that binds us together. Without you, my life is worthless…" I have given you this spell, & only you can break it. I don’t deserve this high regard. Only a pure woman deserves that. I’m pure, alright - of pure perversion. I’m also thinking of your sake. I don’t want you to put up with my shortcomings. I don’t want to exhaust the worthy part of your life. I don’t want you to go through the same hell that I’ve been through. Hitching with me would mean suicide. So leave me now. Sometimes the sweetest sorrow is the saddest fate, & that’s where I am right now. I don’t want you to be with me.

Make your own image of me. Think of me as wicked, unfeeling, a user, good for nothing, pathetic. I am a green witch full of warts & dried phlegm, with worms eating up my wounds and flesh. That might be the only way to reverse your idea of your love for me. Hate me if you must. It will save your heart, I know. It saved the ones who came before you.

As you go on, you will gradually find yourself on both your feet again, not anymore floating into the thought of me. Someday, you will be successful & become a great man - and find me still in the mud. You will look down & spit on me, thank me in mercy that I left you. Move on. Your dynamic life awaits. Mine stops here.

P.S.

First love never dies, people say. But it should be true love. True love never dies. Mine did, when I became this. Don’t let yours die. You will find her.